August

 I hate August...I absolutely do. As a planner you would think it would be my favorite time, with school starting and schedules going back to normal. I try really hard every year not to let August win. See the issue is my soul knows it's coming before my head does. It's like clockwork mid to late July I can feel an ominous cloud approaching, a feeling I just can't shake. Then it hits me... August is coming.

This year I honestly started off the month pretty decently. I held it together for 4 days. I was like man look at me...I finally going to not just survive this month but maybe thrive a little too. Then day 5 hit and I started sobbing and couldn't stop. 

Ben and I lost a baby, Molly. Whose birthday should be in August. I really thought with time the ache of August would lessen. Then 4 years ago my brother was murdered....4 years ago today actually.  It's weird to lose a sibling. Even someone you rarely see and rarely get along with... it's just weird to know you are in the world and they aren't. Losing a family member in such a violent way changes you. I'm not good with loss...I know that. I avoid funerals...heck I even try to avoid grieving. Just fyi that's not healthy and the grief always always always catches up with you. 

When we lost Molly I grieved like I had never grieved before. I cried constantly for weeks. Wailing in agony. Deep achy, drop you to your knees pain. Then one night I dreamt she was in heaven being rocked by Ben's grandpa and I knew she was ok.

With Justin, I immediately went into crisis management mode. We needed to make sure everyone was informed but even the information we were getting was scattered. I remember being at the dance studio when I got the call. It was noisy and her voice was shaky. I misheard who she said at first then it came through clearly...Justin was shot, he's dead.  That's when I went into a frenzy trying to call who I could, help who I could. Then I sat for just a second to catch my breath and Misty asked if I was ok and I started having a panic attack. I think the panic was more about not wanting to fall apart publicly but honestly I just don't know. For months every time I closed my eyes I kept replaying over and over the image in my head of him being shot. Sleep deprivation is something I deal with on a regular basis but this took it to an extreme. I couldn't handle being still because then I would see it again. I use to have a lot of anger towards the man who killed him, now honestly I mostly pity him. His wife has died since he went to jail and his young child taken in by family. He didn't just take Justin's life that day. 

I sometimes wonder who Molly would be now as a teenager. Would she be like Caylie? Be completely different? Who would Justin be now? As he grew up and matured? He was always so creative and had real artistic ability. Would he be using those gifts? I like to think so..I like to think his life would be so different now.

Every August I truly try to distract myself. I am always determined to focus on something else...maybe better myself or complete a project... anything to not get stuck in this shadowy place. I always want to do something to honor them.. but haven't really. It's more about avoiding it all together. Which obviously isn't working. So this week I decided I will be donating some art supplies to either a kid who is an aspiring artist or maybe a teacher with some lower income students.  From now on every August I will look for ways to bless others in their memory. It might not keep the ominous clouds from forming but it's a much better use of my time.

*This definitely feels like an over share of information and feelings. There's a decent chance I will end up deleting it later. For now I am going to look for someone to donate supplies to and be extremely thankful that August is just about over.

Graduation

Bryan, it's your graduation day! Well technically it's Saturday but it is here. This definitely isn't how I expected to celebrate this amazing accomplishment but we will celebrate anyway.  I've wondered what I should say to you. I've started this many many times. The truth is there is so much to say and nothing at all. There's a lot I want you to know but you will learn along the way and you always have
 us to talk to and ask for advice. On the flip side we have had so many big talks I'm not sure what all is left to cover. I'm so thankful for the relationship we have built.  I had no idea what I was doing when we brought you home...you made me a mom! I think we've both learned a lot along the way. Some lessons were easier than others.  But we made it through. We are in a whole new realm of parenting. I have to cheer from the bleachers now instead of the sidelines but I will never stop cheering.  I will always be your biggest fan. I'm so excited to see what you do in this big big world. It's not always going to be an easy ride but it's going to be an amazing one.  While trying to think of what to say to you this song kept coming to mind:
Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray

Read it then read it again.  "Don't forget why you're here". Remember why be ordinary when you were born to be extraordinary.

Proud of you, proud to be your mom and proud of the man you are.

Happy Graduation

Anyone

  Between talks with my children, things in the media and conversations with friends there has been a reoccurring topic coming up over and over the past few months.  In a world where your friends and family are a click away we as a society have never seemed more alone.

   When the topic first came to my attention I was thinking about it in reference to teen girls.  These girls are going through a lot.  Body changes, family situations, future plans and more pressure than I think I even realize.  Yet as close as these girls are a lot of times they don't see when their friend is in trouble or needing someone.  I don't think it's because they don't care I think that their own world just feels so big it is hard to see past it sometimes.  Not to mention they can find it very hard to speak up when they are having a hard time themselves.  They just need someone to see them. 

   There is a show on ABC in the first episode a friend takes his own life.  Literally when another friend in their group is called to be given the news he has a mouth full of pills about to take his own life.  Two friends in a seemingly close group about to take that same end and no one knew.  No one could tell they were in trouble.  They were happy.  They had their life together.  No one saw their truth.

   Demi Lovato is an icon.  She is a well respected woman with enormous talent who probably has her own tribe of close friends.  Yet just this weekend she sang an incredibly emotional song about no one hearing her.  Surrounded by fans and loved ones and no one could see her pain.

  I've always been pretty good at seeing when someone was having a bad day.  I can see pain in their eyes, I can hear the change in their voice.  I can see the way they don't make eye contact because they know they will fall apart if they do.  But even with that I know I don't check in on my friends and family enough.  I am sure there have been people around me who wish I could see their truth.

  I'm not sure I have any answers or profound statements to make sense of my thoughts.  I just wanted to put it out there.  I am extremely blessed to have a couple of ladies who have pulled me through some very dark times.  I have a friend who I haven't seen in years but she seems to be able to sense when I need her to reach out.  I am lucky to know I'm not alone and that someone sees my truth....or at least as much as I allow anyone to.  To anyone who may read this that needs to talk I may not have the answers and I am so far from perfect but I can be your "anyone" who will listen, who will see you and who will acknowledge your truth.

Season of Reflection

I always think of our life as a collection of seasons.  Some seasons are long....very long. While others come and go so quickly.  Recently, I have unintentionally spent a lot of time reflecting on my childhood. Something I honestly tend to avoid doing.  Growing up for the longest time I had no idea how different my life was from other kids.  I think I just assumed this was how everyone's family was.  Until my 11th birthday, Alice told me I could bring friends home.  So after school there I came happily bringing two school friends to my house for the first time.  The looks on their faces as Alice was....well Alice told me everything. This wasn't normal.  It wasn't ok.  Kids weren't suppose to live like this. 

As my own kids have gotten older, especially my daughter I am even more aware of how messed up that "season" of my life was.  However, like I always say I will never wish away my past because that made me who I am and got me to where I am now.

Now here we are entering another new season of parenting.  Our kids are all getting older.  In fact our oldest will be starting his senior year in just a couple of weeks.  Talk about reflecting!  This time has gone so fast.  While I am ridiculously proud of  him and who he is becoming knowing this next step is now here is a bit overwhelming.  He is ready, I know he is.  This momma though...not quite. Who told time it could go so fast? 

Christmas

It's no secret that I love Christmas.  A friend recently asked me why and I had to stop and think. I've never really thought about it. Growing up we didn't have amazing holidays. I never believed in Santa. There was no Christmas magic. However after being adopted as a teen I saw for pretty much the first time a house decked head to toe in Christmas. There was a big tree with perfectly selected ornaments. There was a collection of Santa Claus figures, stockings for every single person and even holiday scented candles.  We had presents and  music and Christmas dinner.  It was like being transported to this magical space.

I always knew I wanted to do Christmas big for our kids. I want them to have that child like magical feeling....that anything is possible. Even now that they are older and "know". We continue the little traditions. The things they love doing or even if they won't admit you can see their eyes light up when they see it or talk about it.  I realized today while thinking about this that we make our kids earn anything they get...for the most part if they want it they work for it. But even with the fun of Santa threats we've never made them "earn" Christmas. Which I find kind of symbolically beautiful since we didn't earn our ultimate Christmas gift....Jesus.

August

I love so many things about August. School is starting, new dance season beginning. My husband and many family members have birthdays. I love the season starting to change and our schedules getting back to normal. However, August is hard for me. Sometimes I don't even realize its happening. It just creeps in and overwhelms me. I try to push through but I just seem to drown in this funk. August is when Molly would have been born and as much as I try not to dwell on it I always feel like my legs are kicked out from under me. Justin was killed at the end of August last year and now as August approaches I feel like there's this huge ominous cloud hanging over the whole month.  Trying to focus on the good things and all my blessings but allowing myself to be human. Feelings happen, feelings suck sometimes but they happen.

Flashbacks

In an instant I go from scrolling through Facebook to being back there. 4-5 years old....Alice's boyfriend is furious. He's hitting me, pushing me, picking me up he throws me hard I hit the back of the closet. Hangers fall down on me he picks up one and hits me in the face. Then leaves the room..I sit there shaking, not sure what to do. I can hear talking in the living room. I peek down the skinny hallway. I can see Alice gesturing. My heart stops. He sees me. I start running towards the back of the trailer. Then all the sudden I feel it...weird, sharp, pain. I fall to the ground. It was an iron. He threw an iron at me... That is my earliest childhood memory.  It has been years since I had a flashback of things that happened during my childhood. This one hit me hard tonight. Out of the blue and BOOM! I am right back there. It is weird to me that all these years pass and yet moments like that can still stop me in my tracks.  I've never let the past define me and yet these moments can still happen. Maybe it's God's way of reminding us how far we've come.