Forgiveness

It's never easy to ask for forgiveness, however I think in a lot of ways it's easier then giving forgiveness.

I am adopted, however I was not adopted at birth.  I lived through a lot before being placed in foster care and eventually adopted.  I was a very angry child.  Emotions always ran high.  For years even into adulthood I harbored anger toward my bio parents and certain family members.  I was angry for the abuse, for growing up thinking that was normal, for getting a raw deal, for feeling like they never chose us kids first. I was angry that we were used as pawns.  I was angry at how they embarrassed me.  I remember bringing friends home for the first time in like 5th grade and how they reacted to my family.  That was I think the first time I realized how screwed up our family was.  I never understood how they could do that to their family, to their kids, to me.  I don't know if it's just growing up or God softening my heart or just learning that harboring that anger is hurting me, but I am learning to let it go.  As far as my biological parents and stuff are concerned I forgave them several years ago.  I was actually watching Oprah and she said something like Forgiveness doesn't mean it's ok, it doesn't mean they get to come back in your life.  Forgiveness means letting go of the hope that the past could have been any different.  It was a profound statement that completely spoke to me.  Shortly after that I just let it go.  It's not ok what they did but I can't change any of that.  They can't change any of that, so I forgive them.  They aren't welcome in my home and if I saw them in public I would most definitely dodge them but I don't hate them, I don't  feel angry about them anymore.  I have freed myself from that by forgiving them.

19 weeks ago, I had a huge blow up with someone who was an essential part of my life.  I was crushed.  Things I had taken as truth were lies.  When confronting them, their true colors showed and I realized my worth to them....which wasn't much.  I was hurt and angry.  I learned more in the weeks after that then I ever cared to learn.  My bubble was burst.  There was no going back.  I would be lying if I said I was no longer hurt by it. I can say I am no longer angry though.  I wish things could be different.  I wish they would realize what they are doing and want to make things right but I can't make them see things.  They chose this, I didn't and while that hurts me I will have to learn to be ok with that.  I'm not angry, I don't wish anything bad towards them.  I am choosing forgiveness.  I still hold out some hope that in the future we will have some kind of relationship, For now I am choosing forgiveness and focusing on the good in my life.