It's not ok

Listening to a friend whose daughter is struggling with bullies breaks my heart.  Both Eric and Caylie have dealt with being bullied and it's not easy.  I'm so sick of hearing people saying kids need to toughen up. Ok sure if someone says something rude to you one time don't let it ruin your day. But when I say bullies I'm not talking about that. All kids can be jerks sometimes.  I'm talking about the kids that continually go after someone just because they can.  I'm talking about the  2nd grade boys who tormented my then kindergarten son every single day just for being different .  I'm talking about the little girl that treated Caylie like trash and tore her down every single freaking day.  THIS is not ok.  We can tell our kids to not listen to them. We can tell them that we are here for them and that they have us. But unfortunately those negatives still get in.  They start to chip away at our children. It's not ok!  We need to stop accepting this as just a part of life.  We need to demand better because our children deserve better.

Unique kids

We want our kids to follow their dreams but do we really give them the room to do that?  When my kids were younger I use to worry about them fitting in. I use to talk about Eric and say he's really not your typical cookie cutter boy.  He was and is completely uniquely Eric.  You know what,  I no longer worry about them fitting in. My motto has become why would you want to be ordinary when you were created to be extraordinary.  I want my kids to find their passion and then WORK to make it happen. Still there's a certain way we are "suppose" to do things.  We are afraid of letting them venture off the path, afraid to let them take chances.  We tend to unintentionally stifle them, keep them in their cookie cutter boxes.   We don't want them to fail. However despite what some may think there are many many different paths to success.   Our kids are absolutely unique, the don't fit into a box.  So I suspect their "path" may be equally unique.  We recently allowed our 9th grader to trade in his prestigious charter school to return to homeschool.  I am sure we have some people thinking we are absolutely crazy.  I don't care.  Is it scary....you know you think it would be but it's really not.   We've really accepted that our kids like to do things differently.  Actually we've learned that our kids THRIVE by doing things differently.  I'm so thankful for the awesome support system my kids have.  I encourage all parents to allow your kids the freedom to pursue what they are passionate about.

To my son starting high school

I get this crazy pit of my stomach feeling just thinking about you starting high school Thursday.  We blinked and you grew up. These next 4 years will really define the man you want to be.  I know we've stressed academics, which are extremely important.  However you will learn so many life lessons in the next 4 years that far surpass academics. As your mom you've reached a point in your life where I can offer guidance and when needed boundaries but now you really have to make decisions for yourself.  Some things i want you to remember: you are amazing, be kind even when no one else is, you are a leader, don't let anyone else define you, work hard for what you want,  you are precious, there will be days when life sucks on those days get up put one foot in front of the other and keep going,  be brave, get our of your comfort zone, don't hold yourself back,  never doubt you were created for a purpose. I am so proud of the man you are becoming. I love you!  *and yes Bryan I know my thoughts were all jumbled...that's how I roll ;)

New school year

Time for a new school year.  While I'm not ready to give up our summer yet I am ready to get back on a routine. This year our oldest Bryan starts high school.  I honestly don't know how that got here so quick.  He has a pretty heavy work load this first semester so I'm sure he will be plenty busy. He also has a list of extra curriculars he'd like to do.  Eric will be in 8th grade and that's almost as shocking as Bryan starting high school.  He plans to do swimming and robotics and he's hoping to start a Pokemon club with the homeschool group.  Caylie will be in 4th grade. Dance will occupy most of her free time but she would like to swim and take some other classes. They will keep us plenty busy. Ready to get back on routine, excited to see how the kids learn and grow this year. Blessed to be their mom.

Out of my comfort zone

So the few of you that read this know that after over 20 years of searching for information on my dad I found his family this year. I really thought when I found him I'd just look at his Facebook page, see what he looked like and not make contact. However when my search found that he passed away 25 years ago, that I had siblings, I decided to reach out. See if family would tell me about him, maybe have pictures. I'm an extremely guarded person. I was overwhelmed with how quickly they reached out and had lots of information and family pictures. It's crazy that my son has the same name as my brother I never knew about and how my oldest looks so much like that brother and my dad. This is all very new and I'm very new to this getting out if my comfort zone thing. I'm really glad I did though. It's really cool to see where you came from, the family you didn't know and to learn bits and pieces about your dad. Eventually we will meet, I hope to learn more about my dad and find the sister I didn't know about.  For now it's just cool knowing there's more family out there.

End of the school year

The school year is coming to an end.  Eric and Caylie have already finished all their lessons and started enjoying their break.  Bryan has a few more weeks to go. We are all looking forward to a much needed summer break.  This is the first year since Bryan was in 2nd grade that he hasn't been homeschooled. He has done amazing. He handled the transition well, kept pushing and looks like he will finish the year with all A's and B's if not completely all A's. That is his goal.  More than good grades this year has been amazing because he has only missed one day. I never thought that would be possible. Last time he was in school he missed 37 days from being in the hospital.  So thankful his health has done so well. So proud of all my kids and how they have done this year. Next year we are embarking on a new journey....high school! Wish me luck!

I feel...

So like I said I'm not sure how I'm suppose to feel.  For the past 6 weeks or so I've been numb. Keeping myself busy and not allowing myself to really think about it...except I am thinking about it. I kept trying to push it out of my mind but I can't anymore. So I may not know how I'm suppose to feel but I know how I do feel...sad. I'm incredibly sad. I don't like to show emotion and I like to stay positive but it really hurts. I feel confused because I don't know why it hurts so much. He was only in my life for a short time. I'm not sure I remember him yet it still hurts. I'm angry. Obviously "A" knew he had died and never told me. Normally when someone in your family passes away you go to their funeral, you grieve,you say good bye. I didn't have that time.  One of the things that's really bothered me since finding out is that he's been gone so long and I never knew. I've searched so many many times.  Why, why did I never find it? Why now? I think it was a God thing. For whatever reason I wasn't ready to know before. I can't change any of this. Just have to deal with it now

Not sure how to feel

In my last post I talked about finding out about my dad's death and connecting with his family. I have a hard time grasping the fact that he's been gone for 25 years and I never knew. I always thought eventually I would find him. I never had dreams of a relationship or anything like that but I was sure I'd find him and get to know about him. I'm not sure how to feel about it. How do you mourn someone you didn't know? I haven't allowed myself much time to think about it. It is a blessing to finally have some answers so I should be content with that.

??????

This week has been....interesting.  OK it's been just plain crazy. I haven't really processed it all yet.  So most everyone who knows me knows I am adopted. When I was young apparently toddler age my biological mom took myself and older siblings and moved to Oklahoma. I was later as a preteen taken by the state because of the abuse and then later adopted. Well that's the extremely short version so I can get to my point. I've never known my bio dad and with a mother who was less than honest all I had to go on were very few details. I've searched many times and come up empty. Well this week that changed. I found something. It was the notice of his death. He's been gone for 25 years and I never knew. I almost tossed my phone in shock when I saw my birth name listed among his surviving family members. I didn't think anyone knew about me. That's when I did something completely out of my comfort zone I sent a couple of his siblings listed a fb message....totally insane right? All the sudden yesterday morning I started getting replies. Thankful they were open to answering questions and way more kind than I would have probably been to a stranger sending me a crazy Facebook message. I found out I have THREE siblings I didn't know about and that Bryan looks just like my father did.  There's more information and more questions but like I said I'm still processing all of it.

The Move

For the past few years we have talked about moving into town or getting a 4 bedroom. We never pursued it very far. However last week our landlord told us they'd be raising the rent by quite a bit. Now technically we could pay the extra but we decided if we were going to pay that much we would either move into town or get that 4 bedroom our oldest has been wanting.  After 8.5 years in this house and a short timeframe to get moved I'm not going to lie it seemed like an overwhelming task.  However very quickly I made contact with a friend who I knew had a house and everything fell into place. It's such a blessing to not only know where we are going but be excited about it. The house is a little smaller but we are getting 4 bedrooms. We love the layout of the house and the neighborhood. Very thankful for our new soon to be landlords that are so flexible and making the move a lot less stressful. Our kids have grown up in this house and it will be weird to call a new place home. This is the longest i have ever lived anywhere. Witg that saud the only thing that has me a little sad is that we have a spot on a door frame where we have tracked the kids growth. Going to be hard to paint over it.  Overall though I think this will be a great move for us. Perfect opportunity for us to downsize a little and dejunk and gives the boys their own space as well. So here's to kicking off 2016 with a big change!