I feel...

So like I said I'm not sure how I'm suppose to feel.  For the past 6 weeks or so I've been numb. Keeping myself busy and not allowing myself to really think about it...except I am thinking about it. I kept trying to push it out of my mind but I can't anymore. So I may not know how I'm suppose to feel but I know how I do feel...sad. I'm incredibly sad. I don't like to show emotion and I like to stay positive but it really hurts. I feel confused because I don't know why it hurts so much. He was only in my life for a short time. I'm not sure I remember him yet it still hurts. I'm angry. Obviously "A" knew he had died and never told me. Normally when someone in your family passes away you go to their funeral, you grieve,you say good bye. I didn't have that time.  One of the things that's really bothered me since finding out is that he's been gone so long and I never knew. I've searched so many many times.  Why, why did I never find it? Why now? I think it was a God thing. For whatever reason I wasn't ready to know before. I can't change any of this. Just have to deal with it now