Blame game

Stop with the blame game. Let me be very clear. I am not a fan of Trump or Obama. I think that both of them have handled things in these situations poorly. Do they have an obligation as a person of power to do better absolutely. But what I keep hearing is it's all their fault. How about we may be consider blaming the people actually acting like fools carrying out these acts. Don't tell me there was rioting because of Obama. Don't tell me there's racism because of Trump. Obama didn't shoot those police officers and Trump didn't run that woman down. Like I said in a position of power they both could handle things better than they did in my opinion. However when you hear about these horrible acts the ones we should be holding responsible are each other.  Stop taking away OUR accountability. YOU are responsible for YOUR actions!  Regardless of who is President you are responsible to yourself, to your family, to your country. Stop giving these people who commit these acts a pass because of who happens to be in office.

Here we go again

Tomorrow we start our 8th year of homeschooling.  I'm so anxious!  It is a huge year for all 3 kids. Both boys are now in high school.  It is really hitting me the amount of things I want them to know and the short amount of time we have to cover ALL that.  I swear just yesterday they were in kindergarten and now we are talking about colleges, jobs and adulthood.  The enormity of that is overwhelming. At the same time I don't want to get so caught up in preparing them that we don't enjoy this time.  It definitely feels like a balancing act. I really can't believe we are going on 8 years. Can anyone believe we lasted this long?

The Epiphany

I'm not entirely sure what just happened. One minute I'm sleeping the next I'm jumping up with one thought. "I'm 34 years old and I have spent most of my adult life hiding."  Why? Because I'm overweight. Now there was a period of time after having Caylie that I lost the baby weight. Then Bryan got sick and for the longest time they couldn't figure out what was wrong with him. I was consumed. I spent 2 months on the computer researching, desperate for answers. In addition to being put on some meds that caused weight gain I gained a LOT in a short amount of time. I didn't even realize how much I had gained.  In fact when I finally did I asked my friends why no one had said anything. They said we haven't seen you. They were right I'd been so focused on Bryan's health I let everything else go. When I say I was consumed I don't mean that lightly.  Nothing in my house got done unless Ben did it. I'm not even entirely sure how the children were fed. It was all a blur but I'm sure there was way too much fast food involved. I don't say any of this to make excuses for my weight. I did this, I let it  consume me. I let it get this far. Life happens and my weight has gone up and down since that time but what I just realized today is how much I let it hold me back.  We haven't had a family photo done since Bryan was an infant. That means we don't have a photo with our whole family including other two children. I don't get involved. I started wearing clothes to hide instead of what I actually like. I hide in order to not draw attention to myself. Speaking of photos not only do I rarely post a picture of myself I rarely allow myself to be in photos. The list of ways I've hid from life is too numerous to count. I HAVE LET THE WEIGHT KEEP ME FROM LIVING. Now I'm not going to be all the sudden ok posting photos but I am going to make some changes. While I am still working to lose the weight (down 30 about 70-80 to go). In the meantime I'm going to stop hiding and holding myself back. I'm wasting precious time. This is not something that will immediately get better. I'm going to have to actively work to get out of my comfort zone.  No longer content to just exist. It's time to live.

I feel like there needs to be some epic music playing as I drop the mic but instead I'm adding rarely taken full body photos of me trying on clothes recently. This is me, this is what I look like. The not really a secret secret is out.

Today

Today I'm very thankful that it was a very busy day.  Busy days aren't usually my favorites but today it was what I needed. It kept my mind busy.  You see today is the anniversary of my father's death.  He's been gone 26 years. However this is the first year I've known about it.  Alice never told me.  My entire life I figured one day I'd find him, get to see him, find out what kind of person he is. Did he ever look for me after we left?  Did he want me? Last March I stumbled across his death notice. I was floored how could he be gone so long and no one tell me? How could I have a whole other family that I know nothing about?  This week as I realized the approaching date it really hit me hard. Surprisingly so. I thought I was doing ok processing all the information but this week I realized just how many questions I still have.  It honestly feels ridiculous to be so emotional.  I'm a very guarded person and this has me shaken.  I'm upset that he's gone, I'm angry I wasn't told, wasn't given the opportunity to grieve, I'm confused and kinda lost. There's so much I want to know.  I've heard mixed reviews about the kind of man he was, that doesn't change the fact that I want to know him. I can't change that he's gone.  I can't change that I wasn't told.  All I can do is take what I've learned and make the best of it, to deal with these emotions aa they come and hope my other questions get answered a long the way.