Today

Today I'm very thankful that it was a very busy day.  Busy days aren't usually my favorites but today it was what I needed. It kept my mind busy.  You see today is the anniversary of my father's death.  He's been gone 26 years. However this is the first year I've known about it.  Alice never told me.  My entire life I figured one day I'd find him, get to see him, find out what kind of person he is. Did he ever look for me after we left?  Did he want me? Last March I stumbled across his death notice. I was floored how could he be gone so long and no one tell me? How could I have a whole other family that I know nothing about?  This week as I realized the approaching date it really hit me hard. Surprisingly so. I thought I was doing ok processing all the information but this week I realized just how many questions I still have.  It honestly feels ridiculous to be so emotional.  I'm a very guarded person and this has me shaken.  I'm upset that he's gone, I'm angry I wasn't told, wasn't given the opportunity to grieve, I'm confused and kinda lost. There's so much I want to know.  I've heard mixed reviews about the kind of man he was, that doesn't change the fact that I want to know him. I can't change that he's gone.  I can't change that I wasn't told.  All I can do is take what I've learned and make the best of it, to deal with these emotions aa they come and hope my other questions get answered a long the way.