The Epiphany

I'm not entirely sure what just happened. One minute I'm sleeping the next I'm jumping up with one thought. "I'm 34 years old and I have spent most of my adult life hiding."  Why? Because I'm overweight. Now there was a period of time after having Caylie that I lost the baby weight. Then Bryan got sick and for the longest time they couldn't figure out what was wrong with him. I was consumed. I spent 2 months on the computer researching, desperate for answers. In addition to being put on some meds that caused weight gain I gained a LOT in a short amount of time. I didn't even realize how much I had gained.  In fact when I finally did I asked my friends why no one had said anything. They said we haven't seen you. They were right I'd been so focused on Bryan's health I let everything else go. When I say I was consumed I don't mean that lightly.  Nothing in my house got done unless Ben did it. I'm not even entirely sure how the children were fed. It was all a blur but I'm sure there was way too much fast food involved. I don't say any of this to make excuses for my weight. I did this, I let it  consume me. I let it get this far. Life happens and my weight has gone up and down since that time but what I just realized today is how much I let it hold me back.  We haven't had a family photo done since Bryan was an infant. That means we don't have a photo with our whole family including other two children. I don't get involved. I started wearing clothes to hide instead of what I actually like. I hide in order to not draw attention to myself. Speaking of photos not only do I rarely post a picture of myself I rarely allow myself to be in photos. The list of ways I've hid from life is too numerous to count. I HAVE LET THE WEIGHT KEEP ME FROM LIVING. Now I'm not going to be all the sudden ok posting photos but I am going to make some changes. While I am still working to lose the weight (down 30 about 70-80 to go). In the meantime I'm going to stop hiding and holding myself back. I'm wasting precious time. This is not something that will immediately get better. I'm going to have to actively work to get out of my comfort zone.  No longer content to just exist. It's time to live.

I feel like there needs to be some epic music playing as I drop the mic but instead I'm adding rarely taken full body photos of me trying on clothes recently. This is me, this is what I look like. The not really a secret secret is out.