Christmas

It's no secret that I love Christmas.  A friend recently asked me why and I had to stop and think. I've never really thought about it. Growing up we didn't have amazing holidays. I never believed in Santa. There was no Christmas magic. However after being adopted as a teen I saw for pretty much the first time a house decked head to toe in Christmas. There was a big tree with perfectly selected ornaments. There was a collection of Santa Claus figures, stockings for every single person and even holiday scented candles.  We had presents and  music and Christmas dinner.  It was like being transported to this magical space.

I always knew I wanted to do Christmas big for our kids. I want them to have that child like magical feeling....that anything is possible. Even now that they are older and "know". We continue the little traditions. The things they love doing or even if they won't admit you can see their eyes light up when they see it or talk about it.  I realized today while thinking about this that we make our kids earn anything they get...for the most part if they want it they work for it. But even with the fun of Santa threats we've never made them "earn" Christmas. Which I find kind of symbolically beautiful since we didn't earn our ultimate Christmas gift....Jesus.

August

I love so many things about August. School is starting, new dance season beginning. My husband and many family members have birthdays. I love the season starting to change and our schedules getting back to normal. However, August is hard for me. Sometimes I don't even realize its happening. It just creeps in and overwhelms me. I try to push through but I just seem to drown in this funk. August is when Molly would have been born and as much as I try not to dwell on it I always feel like my legs are kicked out from under me. Justin was killed at the end of August last year and now as August approaches I feel like there's this huge ominous cloud hanging over the whole month.  Trying to focus on the good things and all my blessings but allowing myself to be human. Feelings happen, feelings suck sometimes but they happen.

Flashbacks

In an instant I go from scrolling through Facebook to being back there. 4-5 years old....Alice's boyfriend is furious. He's hitting me, pushing me, picking me up he throws me hard I hit the back of the closet. Hangers fall down on me he picks up one and hits me in the face. Then leaves the room..I sit there shaking, not sure what to do. I can hear talking in the living room. I peek down the skinny hallway. I can see Alice gesturing. My heart stops. He sees me. I start running towards the back of the trailer. Then all the sudden I feel it...weird, sharp, pain. I fall to the ground. It was an iron. He threw an iron at me... That is my earliest childhood memory.  It has been years since I had a flashback of things that happened during my childhood. This one hit me hard tonight. Out of the blue and BOOM! I am right back there. It is weird to me that all these years pass and yet moments like that can still stop me in my tracks.  I've never let the past define me and yet these moments can still happen. Maybe it's God's way of reminding us how far we've come.

252 days

It's been 252 days since I got that call.  Through the noise at the studio and the emotion of her voice I could hardly make out what was being said....someone has been shot...they are dead. My knees start to buckle. I finally get to where I can hear what is being said. It seems unreal. At first the details were all jumbled. But the only detail that mattered was he was gone.

There have been many times when he and I didn't see eye to eye. We would argue, distance ourselves but end of the day we were family.  He was ridiculously smart and creative. He saw beauty in every single person. While he had troubles and flaws like anyone else he was a person.

You! You blamed him. You said he left a gate open and a dog got in...and the dog killed a parrot. Must have been a pretty special parrot because you went looking for him. When confronting him wasn't enough you returned to YOUR home, got YOUR gun and went back after him. YOU shot him! YOU killed him. Was it worth it? Did it bring back your damn bird?  Are you and your family better off with you in jail?

I have had many emotions when I think of you and what you did. A lot of anger, some sadness and even a little pity. I have read what others wrote about you. I wonder how the man they describe can do such a horrible thing.  Was it a mistake? Do you wish you had made a different choice?  I would like to think you have remorse. I would hope you can see how senseless this act was. How it not only took his life and stole his future but took yours as well.

Today is sentencing. There should be a weight lifted, there should be relief. There isn't...there's just sadness.