August

 I hate August...I absolutely do. As a planner you would think it would be my favorite time, with school starting and schedules going back to normal. I try really hard every year not to let August win. See the issue is my soul knows it's coming before my head does. It's like clockwork mid to late July I can feel an ominous cloud approaching, a feeling I just can't shake. Then it hits me... August is coming.

This year I honestly started off the month pretty decently. I held it together for 4 days. I was like man look at me...I finally going to not just survive this month but maybe thrive a little too. Then day 5 hit and I started sobbing and couldn't stop. 

Ben and I lost a baby, Molly. Whose birthday should be in August. I really thought with time the ache of August would lessen. Then 4 years ago my brother was murdered....4 years ago today actually.  It's weird to lose a sibling. Even someone you rarely see and rarely get along with... it's just weird to know you are in the world and they aren't. Losing a family member in such a violent way changes you. I'm not good with loss...I know that. I avoid funerals...heck I even try to avoid grieving. Just fyi that's not healthy and the grief always always always catches up with you. 

When we lost Molly I grieved like I had never grieved before. I cried constantly for weeks. Wailing in agony. Deep achy, drop you to your knees pain. Then one night I dreamt she was in heaven being rocked by Ben's grandpa and I knew she was ok.

With Justin, I immediately went into crisis management mode. We needed to make sure everyone was informed but even the information we were getting was scattered. I remember being at the dance studio when I got the call. It was noisy and her voice was shaky. I misheard who she said at first then it came through clearly...Justin was shot, he's dead.  That's when I went into a frenzy trying to call who I could, help who I could. Then I sat for just a second to catch my breath and Misty asked if I was ok and I started having a panic attack. I think the panic was more about not wanting to fall apart publicly but honestly I just don't know. For months every time I closed my eyes I kept replaying over and over the image in my head of him being shot. Sleep deprivation is something I deal with on a regular basis but this took it to an extreme. I couldn't handle being still because then I would see it again. I use to have a lot of anger towards the man who killed him, now honestly I mostly pity him. His wife has died since he went to jail and his young child taken in by family. He didn't just take Justin's life that day. 

I sometimes wonder who Molly would be now as a teenager. Would she be like Caylie? Be completely different? Who would Justin be now? As he grew up and matured? He was always so creative and had real artistic ability. Would he be using those gifts? I like to think so..I like to think his life would be so different now.

Every August I truly try to distract myself. I am always determined to focus on something else...maybe better myself or complete a project... anything to not get stuck in this shadowy place. I always want to do something to honor them.. but haven't really. It's more about avoiding it all together. Which obviously isn't working. So this week I decided I will be donating some art supplies to either a kid who is an aspiring artist or maybe a teacher with some lower income students.  From now on every August I will look for ways to bless others in their memory. It might not keep the ominous clouds from forming but it's a much better use of my time.

*This definitely feels like an over share of information and feelings. There's a decent chance I will end up deleting it later. For now I am going to look for someone to donate supplies to and be extremely thankful that August is just about over.