Happy New Year!

I LOVE New Years! I know a lot of people would say it's just another day. While that is true. It just feels like a beautiful, fresh, new beginning! Something about a new year gives us the hope that anything is possible. I am looking forward to a great 2015. I'm sure it will hold its own ups and downs, let's just hope there are more ups than downs.

Happy New Year!!!

2014

Normally toward the end of the year I like to write a note thinking of all I am thankful for.  This year I am struggling to come up with the words.  So this note might be a little different.

Don't get me wrong I have plenty to be thankful for.  My kids are healthy.   This has been Bryan's best year physically in a long time.  We added nieces and a nephew to the family this year.  It is VERY excited to see all the new babies.  Homeschooling is going really well.  Eric once again got a high score on the standardized test we are required to take.  Bryan got his highest score ever this year!  Caylie is doing great and the reading that she was struggling with is really coming a lot easier to her.

We have been blessed by new friends this year.  One homeschool family has practically become family to us.  Our kids are inseparable and the mom might as well be my sister.  So thankful for life long friends that we have been able to stay in contact with this year.  I wish they were closer!!

FOUR of my sisters got married this year!!  So thankful I was able to be at 3 of the events.  They have picked guys they can truly grow old with.  I can't wait to see how their marriages grow over the years.

We were able to visit family on vacation this year.  It was so awesome to see all of them and share some laughs.  Spent a lot of time at our first stop snuggling our new nephew Owen.  He is definitely the most adorable baby boy I have EVER seen.  At our second stop we got to see our new niece Remmington.  She is BEAUTIFUL!  Caylie is already planning to teach her and our other new niece Kennedy some dance moves as soon as they can walk.  Our last stop, we got to visit Uncle Dave and his amazing family lots of laughs and LOTS of AMAZING food.  Seriously,  worth the drive out there just for dinner.

It was at our last stop that Caylie found out she had made the competition dance team.  If you haven't seen the video of her reaction let me know!  It's priceless! She worked very hard.  We are so very thankful to the dance company that has poured some much into her over the past year.  She has really blossomed, not just has a dancer!

While Caylie found her passion with dance the boys are still trying out stuff.  I think they just like to try a lot of different things.  They are currently taking a break from karate but they did rank up a belt earlier this year and got to compete in a just for fun competition.  Right now they are planning to make a lot of minecraft movies for youtube.

I am so thankful for my sisters.  A lot of bonds have gotten stronger this year.  It is such a blessing to be part of a big family.  I am thankful for my brothers too of course!

I am so thankful for my husband.  He as always has been my rock and biggest supporter.  I have had to make some  tough decisions this year and he has had my back the whole time.

Unfortunately this year I had to step away from a relationship that had gotten toxic for me.  I didn't want to, I tried to just take a break but it didn't work.  Things blew up.  I have learned so much in the past few months, I don't think things will ever be the same.  Sadly, because of the choice I needed to make I've had many upset with me and even turn away from me completely.  I get that some will never understand the choices I have made.  They think I am being selfish and tearing the family apart.  I can't make them see what's really going on and honestly I am not trying to.  I don't want anyone to ever be put in the middle. I had to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks.  After a lot of prayer and seeking counsel I knew what I had to do.  So why do I include this in my year end note.  Well it was a huge part of my year but really there is a lot of talk going on about who, what, and why.  I don't want to write a tell all tearing others down.  I am just putting it out there, this is what I had to do for me if you have questions about it come to me instead of talking behind my back,

I am looking forward to 2015.  I am excited to see what a New Year brings.  Looking forward to seeing my kids accomplish their goals, to have friendships grow and celebrating 14 years of marriage with my awesome husband.

Mom to a boy becoming a man

When you are a mother to a boy on the verge of manhood it can be just as confusing to you as it is to him.  Maybe even more so.  Obviously, I'm no expert on this as my oldest is just starting his "transition".  He's actually been sporting some facial hair for over a year.  He had his first shave this past week.  WOW, that one was tough. He's not even a teen yet!  Every day, I see changes in him, he's growing up so fast. He talks to me about a lot of stuff that most boys probably wouldn't talk to their moms about.  Will he talk to me about THIS??  I have no idea.  It's scary to think he might but at the same time, I never want him to be embarrassed or ashamed to talk either.  This is all a part of growing up.  Growing up....... seriously wasn't he just a baby yesterday!  In life and especially as parents you go through "seasons".  We are definitely entering a new season, as our youngest is about to turn 8.  We don't have "babies" anymore.  Now it's really about raising them into the adults they will become.  It's an overwhelming responsibility.  But it's the most amazing blessing!

Life outside the ZONE

So it's been about a weekish since I exited the Twilight Zone.  It's been an amazing week.  Don't get me wrong nothing amazing happened.  In fact some pretty crappy stuff happened.  However, for the first time in over 2 years I really feel like myself.  I look in the mirror and I see ME. I am PRESENT in my life, not just floating through it.   I just feel like the OLD me is back...or on the way back.  Either way, the hard decisions I had to make were definitely the right ones.

Life in the twilight zone...

Ok so I guess I've never actually watched the Twilight Zone.  However, I feel like I've been living in it.  It's crazy to come to the realization that everything you thought were truths were just fabrications.  It's like a dream and you wake up and all the sudden you see everything so clearly.  How could we have missed the truth staring us in the face, how could we continue this cycle that had been tearing us down...How could we have completely missed the fact that this is what was tearing us down.  The thing about the twilight zone or at least my version of it is once you come out of it there's no going back in.  No way to unlearn what you've learned, no way to go on pretending, no way unsee what is now staring you in the face.  So what do you do?  I don't know but I'm going to have to figure it out.

Molly

Molly would have turned 8 years old yesterday.  It's weird how it can hit me right in the stomach every year.  We weren't very far along when we lost her but it's still an awful loss.  My heart drops to my stomach every time I think about her.  We are incredibly blessed though.  3 months after losing Molly we were shocked to find out we were pregnant.  I was terrified.  I was paralyzed with fear that we would lose this baby too.  For the first time we waited to tell people.  It was a rough pregnancy and ended up pretty dangerous for me and our sweet baby.  Thankfully, we made it through and delivered our healthy beautiful baby girl Caylie.  Molly's birthday is always hard for me.   She's my angel baby.   I'm glad Molly will never know pain or be disappointed or witness the evil of this world but I look forward to celebrating her birthday in heaven some day.   If we hadn't lost Molly we wouldn't have Caylie.  While the loss still hurts I feel so blessed to have Caylie.   She's an amazing, beautiful, sweet, precious girl.  I don't know how different my life would be had we not lost Molly, but I know God has a plan.   I have two precious girls.  I am a very lucky mom.

Tell them thank you

I am very thankful for my life.  I am blessed to live in a nice house, nice neighborhood, and a nice community.  I have an awesome husband and amazing children.  I am thankful.  However, how often do we thank those who do make an impact on our lives?  I mean I thank God, as I should for all he does for me.  However, until this past year I feel like I have held back giving out thanks to others.  I don't know if it was part of my "wall" to not let others in or if I assumed those who had blessed me knew I was thankful.  Maybe I did express thanks to some and just not others.  So what changed in the past year that got me to really think about this expressing thankfulness stuff??  Well a year ago today the world lost a pretty amazing man.  He was a helper in my youth group growing up.  He was the guy that was always smiling...not a little smile a light up the room smile.  When I heard he had been diagnosed with Leukemia my heart sank.  I hadn't spoken to him in probably 10 years but I remember the impact he had on me.  Yes, I remember he  had that smile and always had plenty of gum for everyone but there was one time he said something to me and I don't even know if I realized it at the time how much it would affect me.  I think we had a youth meeting at his house or something and I think he overheard me mouthing about something (shocking I know), he just pulled me aside and all he said was "You are better than that".  It doesn't sound like much right.  However if you grew up the way I did, where I did...knowing that no one expected anything great from you.  Someone stopping to tell you that you were better then what you were putting out there might just make an impact on you.  I still remember it like it was yesterday.  He said it, tilted his head forward as to let me know he meant it then smiled that big beaming smile and said Ok....  In the church, they always talk about "planting seeds" that even if you don't see someone come to Christ something you say now may impact them later on down the road.  Thinking back I believe that was the first time anyone said something like that to me...he expected more because I was worth more.  I never told him the impact that had on me.  I never thanked him for the change it made in me.  When he was diagnosed, I really wanted to tell him but I felt silly and I didn't want to intrude during a time like that.  Like I said it had been 10 years probably since we had spoken.  I guess I thought there would be more time.  I find peace in knowing I'll thank him in heaven.  The lesson I took away from all of this was to not wait.  To let people know that your thankful for them, let them know when their words or actions change your world for the better.  So I may come off sappy sometimes but I'd rather be a thankful sap then a regretful one.

My daughter the....Pageant Queen??

Never in my life did I ever think we would be doing pageants with Caylie.  However, a few years ago a friend of hers did one and Caylie has asked to do one ever since.  This past fall our small town had a little pageant at city hall.  Caylie was thrilled to enter.  She got on stage and you could see she was terrified!  You wouldn't know it 5 minutes later because she was already asking when she could do another one.  We put that on the back burner and Caylie really got into dance. I brag about her studio all the time and will continue to.  Since joining there Caylie's self-confidence is at an all time high and by that I mean she actually has self-confidence now.  Well a few weeks ago I stumbled onto an ad on Facebook about a pageant prelim being held locally.  It was inexpensive and all-natural and she got to do talent.  So I asked her if she wanted to do it and it was a resounding YES!  She has spent the last few weeks getting ready for it, practicing her walk and her dance for talent.  At this pageant they don't allow prissy or sassy walk just elegant Miss America style walking.  Knowing Caylie's last experience I really didn't expect much from this one.  I did know that no matter what all the girls would get a little crown and that it would be great for Caylie to have practice on stage.  The pageant was well run and there was a good turn out.  They let the girls go on stage and see where to do there walk before they started.  When it came time for Caylie to actually do her beauty walk I had no idea what to expect.  She was fantastic!  She smiled her real smile (not her fake nervous one), she walked elegantly and you could tell she was having fun.  We then rushed around changing into her dance costume and pinning her hair back.  Then she had to stretch...this was a step we couldn't miss as she flies into the splits as part of her dance.  She ended up having plenty of time to stretch and practice her turns and leg holds off to the side.  She LOVED watching the other girls do their talents and when it came time for hers I was shocked!!  She danced it better then she ever had in practice. He turns were clean, her leaps were good and her leg hold was fantastic.  But the best part was the smile!  She was absolutely beaming.  This is what surprised me the most as even in dance class she hardly smiles b/c she is focusing so much.  When it came time for crowning I reminded her that every girl got a crown and if they said queen then she knew she won.  Her group was the largest age group for the day and even though I thought she did great I still wasn't expecting much.  They called participation awards one after the other, each time I kept expecting to hear her name.  Then they announced talent, one of her friends who did an amazing monologue won that.  That's when I realized they hadn't called Caylie's name so that means.....YEP she won!  I still can't believe it.  The same little girl that looked terrified and lost on stage 6 months ago just won this pageant.  Needless to say my girl is beside herself, so happy and proud.  Now she gets to go on and compete at state and she can't wait!  Like I said at the beginning this is never something I thought we would be doing.  I know pageants get a lot of bad press.  This pageant couldn't have been farther from that stereotype and I am so thrilled for my girl working for something she wanted and achieving it!

Homeschool Curriculum

When you first decide to homeschool there are a lot of things to figure out.  One of the biggest things being what curriculum are you going to use.  Are you going to do an online program? A box curriculum? Make up your own?  Mix and match?  You would think after almost 4 years of homeschooling we would have our curriculum figured out but we don't.  Every year in February, we decide if we are going to homeschool the next year.  Then we decide what we like about the curriculum we are using and what we want to change.  It's not just about tweaking it for personal preference, as your kids get older you have to consider college prep and make sure you are covering all the basics.  You also take into account the field your child thinks they want to go into and make sure you are giving extra attention to the areas of study that interest them.  Homeschooling is not easy!  It is definitely not one of those things you can take lightly.  I mean you are responsible for your child's education. I really think even if they are in public school you are responsible for their education as well but the gravity of it seems heavier when you are a homeschool parent.  So here we are planning out what we want to use next year and I never know if we have it all right but I guess maybe no one ever does.

Time for a REAL change

I haven't been happy with my weight for YEARS.  It's been an up and down battle since having kids.  I can tell my mind set is different this year and I know this year I will finally hit my goals.  I have made decisions that are hard for me.  Like, my first BIG decision was to hire a trainer.  That is so far out of my comfort zone, but she has been fantastic and really pushed me.  Next I signed up to do a 5k...ok well that was the plan but my kids have an activity the day of but that didn't stop me.  Ok well....actually my friend didn't let that stop me as she offered to run the 5k with me the day before the actual event...so April 11th I'll be running a 5k.  My new BIG challenge is I'll only be weighing in once a month.  I am a scale junkie so this is a HUGE change for me.  I know that obsessing over the scale is holding me back so I am going for it.

Some of my goals for this year:
Run a 5k
Family photo (we have ZERO photos of all 5 of us)
Hit 100 lbs lost

Have the tough talks

Today we woke to horrible news that the sweet faced 10 year old girl from Springfield who had been abducted from her neighborhood yesterday was found dead.  Just writing that sentence just leaves you with a sick feeling.

We have had some "close calls" I would say...or maybe it's just my mommy brain worrying.  So last year I was leaving Walmart with my daughter who was 6 at the time.  This truck started kinda following us and my mommy radar went off.  I got her in her seat and started loading the groceries.  At this point I had decided that he was probably just waiting for our spot.  Don't ever discount that mommy gut!  As I turned my back to put up the cart I hear him get out of his truck and I look back.  He is headed right for my daughters door.  I leave the cart and run back, he sees me and runs back to his truck and drives off.  Maybe I was mistaken, maybe there was a misunderstanding but it sure didn't feel that way.  I was shaking and couldn't drive for at least 10 minutes.  By the way, that was in a crowded parking lot in the middle of the day.

Also last year in January, I get a call from my mom.  She tells me that one of our close family members has been arrested for molesting a child.  The first thing I did was throw up. For those unaware I was adopted.  My childhood was a far cry from a "childhood".  Because of my background I do NOT trust people.  However this person I had let in my house, around my children, even around my children unattended.  I was angry, not just at the person and what they had done but because I had let my guard down.  Thankfully, he had not assaulted my children.  

I say all this because we have to have the tough conversations with our kids.  We have to talk about what inappropriate touching and conversations look like.  We have to let them know to speak up no matter what, no matter who the person is or what they say.  We also need to talk about what to do if someone tries to take you.  Don't just talk about strangers, because statistically it could be someone they know.  Tell them that no matter who it is or where they are if someone tries to get them to go with them to scream, to hit, to scratch, to bite and to scream some more.  Looking at statistics their chances of being found alive go down drastically as soon as they get in that vehicle.  Also remember people who prey on children are cowards.  The louder your child is the bigger the chance is that they will run away.   Make sure they know that even if it's someone they know that you personally will tell them if someone else is ever to pick them up.  To never ever take someone else's word for it.  Tell your kids that they don't have to be polite,  that they won't be in trouble.  Even if they are wrong and the person wasn't trying to take them that you will be proud of them for fighting back.  We spend so much time teaching them to be polite and listen to adults.  They need to know that there are times it's ok to be rude, it's ok to scream.  I don't want my children to worry that they may get in trouble, those first few seconds can make all the difference. Your children have instincts just like you do, teach them to listen to them.  Don't just have that conversation once and be done, they need to be reminded so they know what to do if God forbid they are ever in that position.

Praying for that girl's family and her community.

Uncharted Territory

So my 7 year old daughter is a GIRLY girl.  I am learning a lot as she gets older about all things girly.  Don't get me wrong, she can play hard in the mud but she'll probably wear heels and a tiara while doing it.  Back in August she started dance, she had previously done gymnastics for 2 years.  Dance is a whole new world for us.  However, it has been amazing for my little girl.  In the few months since she has joined she is like a whole new girl.  She has so much more self-confidence, she is happier.  It isn't just with dance it has affected her whole attitude about everything.  She is doing better with school and reading as well and I know it stems from her new found confidence. She is definitely passionate about dance and that has played a roll.  However I can not brag enough about her dance coach and the studio we are at.  They are truly a blessing to my little girl.  Ok so back to the girly stuff.  So of course with dance comes a ton of girly things.  Honestly she has great hair but my skills are limited.  So I am learning new things to help her do her hair cute.  She also recently decided she wanted to do pageants.  The idea of pageants makes me cringe and makes me want to run and hide.  However, this pageant that I agreed she could do is all natural and has come highly recommended.  A bonus at this pageant is that Caylie gets to do a talent.  Like I said Caylie has a new found confidence and I don't know how she will do once she actually hits the stage.  But I think even if she doesn't do great that she will go out and have fun and it will continue to help boost her self-esteem.  Bonus is she is doing this with some friends so no matter what it will be fun. Oh and her dance teacher suggested I add some sequins to her dance costume for the pageant.....did I mention I am not crafty AT ALL.   Dance, and pageants, and glitter oh my!  She is always telling me I need to be more girly and she's right.  I definitely don't take the time for my feminine side.  Learning to be more girly for my daughter's sake.  Wish me luck!

Life in the Mommyhood

I am a homeschooling mom of 3 great kids.  I have been married to my husband almost 13 years now.  This blog will definitely be littered with a lot of mommy ramblings.  However it will also be a place where I post my opinions on everything from weight loss to politics.  Happy reading!!